Spiritual Abuse In the Church
http://thepedestrianchristian.blogspot.com
He huffed and puffed and snickered at me every time I said something. He'd look down his nose at me with cold, arrogant eyes squinting with disdain. His voice uttered tones of disgust. Why? Did I do something wrong? Perhaps I wasn't fashionable enough. He did hold good looks in high esteem and I am just a very plain and simple person with not a lot of interest in the "newest look". Perhaps I wasn't intelligent enough for him. Higher education was premium in his opinion. In my thinking, a higher education from a state university, though I have one, is a waste of money nowadays. Spending thousands upon thousands of dollars for just the first two semesters reviewing what you spent 13 years learning and earning a diploma for, is ridiculous. Blowing thousands more to have your worldview shaped and molded into a liberal, socialistic mindset is insane (that's not to say you shouldn't get an education that teaches a practical, usable skill, however). So what WAS this guy's problem with me? For years and years I felt him snorting out his disdain all over me and I'd had it. I was determined to find out what he had against me!
I asked him to meet with me. In short, I found out his whole problem was imagined! Somewhere along the line, he got it in his head that I was a "bad guy" because of something someone said about another person! Sounds crazy, I know! He just lumped me in with a few other people and decided we were all people to "watch out for". For ten years, this man belittled me with his expressions, his tones, and his grunts. He hated me in his heart. I was shocked, baffled and deeply bruised. How could he think such evil things about me? How in the world could he have surmised such rottenness? His list of accusations was long and none of it held any weight. I batted off every thing he threw at me and in the end, he had nothing against me. He apologized a few days later and for a while everything was fine between us. I had no more ill feelings, the air was clear, until...
THE REST OF THE STORY...
...my husband and I decided we would like to attend a church closer to home. We drove 35 minutes to church every Wednesday and twice every Sunday both ways for nearly ten years and didn't mind it a bit but we were incredibly disappointed when our friends and neighbors wouldn't drive that far to come to church with us. On top of that, we were BOTH getting strangely tired of the drive and my husband had developed a very painful lump in his thigh from the constant commuting. We began to seek God about the possibility of attending a church closer to home. One cold day in late winter, we stopped by a local church and my husband asked me to run in and grab their statement of faith brochure. It was the first step we'd taken, besides praying, to find out God's will in the matter. We quickly discerned that that particular church was not the right one, so we continued to pray and wait. In the spring, my husband and son were invited to a conference hosted by a church only 10 minutes away and he liked it very much so he prayed consistently about attending there. In the summer, my husband wanted to visit there one more time but couldn't see a way to do it without causing offense to the church we were currently members of. Our annual week long camping trip to the State Park was coming up and this other church was nearby so I suggested we go then. That way, we wouldn't be gone too long and wouldn't have to pack up all the camping gear just to go to church. Seems reasonable, right?
My family and I really enjoyed church services that day. We were warmly welcomed and felt very much "at home" there, but there would be no rush to leave the old church. We'd pray some more and be VERY sure this was where God wanted us to be. One Sunday morning, we made up our minds. We would visit the new church again. I decided to call my close friend and let her know we would be in another church that day. There was a dead silence on the other end. I felt her anger seep through the phone. I wasn't expecting this at all! Her voice cracked as she let me know how displeased she was. We were back in our own church later that week and in the month following, we were questioned, maligned, attacked, and accused. My husband felt like wolves had converged upon him. The stress was INTENSE. We absolutely could not believe what was happening! We thought our church family would understand our desire/need to be in a church closer to our home where we could minister to people in our own area. When the men in the church could not convince my husband to stay, they all turned their "guns" on me and accused me of manipulating and brainwashing my "innocent" husband. It was mind blowing! I retreated in complete shock, kept my mouth shut and did my best to stay out of the way. I certainly didn't want anyone to think this was true! But it was no use. My closest friends believed the lies and would have nothing more to do with me. Even the assistant pastor decided to slander me and smear my character by preaching a scathing sermon about me. I couldn't defend myself. The man who had hated me so much became the ring leader for the whole event and after we left the church, continued to chase me down and slander me. It was as if he wanted to "finish me off".
The good news is, God was conducting a rescue operation. Though it got ugly, we were freed from what we didn't realize at the time was a pastor who had become spiritually abusive. The church the Lord sent us to is a wonderful place, a good church, with a humble and kind pastor. The Lord set me and my husband free from our accusers, and He put us in a place where our family could flourish and serve Him close to home as we desired.
It took a long time to accept that I was not at fault nor to be blamed for what happened, though some at the old church did all they could to try to convince me that I was. God assured me over and over through the preaching and through his Word that I was alright and had not done anything wrong. Over the next several years, I studied and began to learn more about the subject of spiritual abuse.
How can you know if you or someone you love is being abused this way?
Though there are many signs, here are just a few to look for:
1. The members are made to feel guilty for leaving or for wanting to leave.
2. They are told they are doing wrong and that something bad may happen to them or their children if they leave.
3. Other members are discouraged from having anything to do with those who leave.
4. Those who leave are held under a cloud of suspicion, slandered, shunned and shamed.
5. Members are only allowed back into the fellowship if they apologize publicly for leaving or wanting to leave.
This was an extremely difficult and trying time in our lives as we went through each of these experiences. The people we loved and thought were our friends did no little damage to us and to our children. Is that what fellow church members are to do? Is that their calling? To harm? To malign, slander, and bring your integrity into question? Nonetheless, we've gained an understanding now that we would not have if we hadn't gone through this. My husband and I are so much wiser now. We find ourselves watching and listening to everything. We catch things people say, we ask questions, and we check everything against God's Word much more closely than we ever have. We've learned not to judge others without getting all the facts first, because we were not given that privilege when we were accused. We believe in giving things time and letting God work things out. We don't have to defend ourselves. God will take care of it. We've learned that everybody is somewhere on the scale and you can't assume anything about anyone. Our job is to love one another, encourage one another, and pray for each other, not tear people down, find fault, or cause harm in any way.
Do you feel you may be suffering spiritual abuse? If so, don't be afraid. God is not angry with you. He wants you to be able to serve him without fear. You do not have to stay in a situation where you are being abused. You do not have to stay in a church where others cause you harm. Pray for God's help. He will lead you out if you step out in faith and trust him.
I asked him to meet with me. In short, I found out his whole problem was imagined! Somewhere along the line, he got it in his head that I was a "bad guy" because of something someone said about another person! Sounds crazy, I know! He just lumped me in with a few other people and decided we were all people to "watch out for". For ten years, this man belittled me with his expressions, his tones, and his grunts. He hated me in his heart. I was shocked, baffled and deeply bruised. How could he think such evil things about me? How in the world could he have surmised such rottenness? His list of accusations was long and none of it held any weight. I batted off every thing he threw at me and in the end, he had nothing against me. He apologized a few days later and for a while everything was fine between us. I had no more ill feelings, the air was clear, until...
THE REST OF THE STORY...
...my husband and I decided we would like to attend a church closer to home. We drove 35 minutes to church every Wednesday and twice every Sunday both ways for nearly ten years and didn't mind it a bit but we were incredibly disappointed when our friends and neighbors wouldn't drive that far to come to church with us. On top of that, we were BOTH getting strangely tired of the drive and my husband had developed a very painful lump in his thigh from the constant commuting. We began to seek God about the possibility of attending a church closer to home. One cold day in late winter, we stopped by a local church and my husband asked me to run in and grab their statement of faith brochure. It was the first step we'd taken, besides praying, to find out God's will in the matter. We quickly discerned that that particular church was not the right one, so we continued to pray and wait. In the spring, my husband and son were invited to a conference hosted by a church only 10 minutes away and he liked it very much so he prayed consistently about attending there. In the summer, my husband wanted to visit there one more time but couldn't see a way to do it without causing offense to the church we were currently members of. Our annual week long camping trip to the State Park was coming up and this other church was nearby so I suggested we go then. That way, we wouldn't be gone too long and wouldn't have to pack up all the camping gear just to go to church. Seems reasonable, right?
My family and I really enjoyed church services that day. We were warmly welcomed and felt very much "at home" there, but there would be no rush to leave the old church. We'd pray some more and be VERY sure this was where God wanted us to be. One Sunday morning, we made up our minds. We would visit the new church again. I decided to call my close friend and let her know we would be in another church that day. There was a dead silence on the other end. I felt her anger seep through the phone. I wasn't expecting this at all! Her voice cracked as she let me know how displeased she was. We were back in our own church later that week and in the month following, we were questioned, maligned, attacked, and accused. My husband felt like wolves had converged upon him. The stress was INTENSE. We absolutely could not believe what was happening! We thought our church family would understand our desire/need to be in a church closer to our home where we could minister to people in our own area. When the men in the church could not convince my husband to stay, they all turned their "guns" on me and accused me of manipulating and brainwashing my "innocent" husband. It was mind blowing! I retreated in complete shock, kept my mouth shut and did my best to stay out of the way. I certainly didn't want anyone to think this was true! But it was no use. My closest friends believed the lies and would have nothing more to do with me. Even the assistant pastor decided to slander me and smear my character by preaching a scathing sermon about me. I couldn't defend myself. The man who had hated me so much became the ring leader for the whole event and after we left the church, continued to chase me down and slander me. It was as if he wanted to "finish me off".
The good news is, God was conducting a rescue operation. Though it got ugly, we were freed from what we didn't realize at the time was a pastor who had become spiritually abusive. The church the Lord sent us to is a wonderful place, a good church, with a humble and kind pastor. The Lord set me and my husband free from our accusers, and He put us in a place where our family could flourish and serve Him close to home as we desired.
It took a long time to accept that I was not at fault nor to be blamed for what happened, though some at the old church did all they could to try to convince me that I was. God assured me over and over through the preaching and through his Word that I was alright and had not done anything wrong. Over the next several years, I studied and began to learn more about the subject of spiritual abuse.
How can you know if you or someone you love is being abused this way?
Though there are many signs, here are just a few to look for:
1. The members are made to feel guilty for leaving or for wanting to leave.
2. They are told they are doing wrong and that something bad may happen to them or their children if they leave.
3. Other members are discouraged from having anything to do with those who leave.
4. Those who leave are held under a cloud of suspicion, slandered, shunned and shamed.
5. Members are only allowed back into the fellowship if they apologize publicly for leaving or wanting to leave.
This was an extremely difficult and trying time in our lives as we went through each of these experiences. The people we loved and thought were our friends did no little damage to us and to our children. Is that what fellow church members are to do? Is that their calling? To harm? To malign, slander, and bring your integrity into question? Nonetheless, we've gained an understanding now that we would not have if we hadn't gone through this. My husband and I are so much wiser now. We find ourselves watching and listening to everything. We catch things people say, we ask questions, and we check everything against God's Word much more closely than we ever have. We've learned not to judge others without getting all the facts first, because we were not given that privilege when we were accused. We believe in giving things time and letting God work things out. We don't have to defend ourselves. God will take care of it. We've learned that everybody is somewhere on the scale and you can't assume anything about anyone. Our job is to love one another, encourage one another, and pray for each other, not tear people down, find fault, or cause harm in any way.
Do you feel you may be suffering spiritual abuse? If so, don't be afraid. God is not angry with you. He wants you to be able to serve him without fear. You do not have to stay in a situation where you are being abused. You do not have to stay in a church where others cause you harm. Pray for God's help. He will lead you out if you step out in faith and trust him.
I believe spiritual abuse doesn't happen all the time or in every church. Many churches are led by good, humble, godly men who know how to do good to their fellow Christians. Spiritual abuse doesn't always come down from the Pastor or other leaders. It can run horizontally as well. Spiritual abusers can be male or female.
This book goes into detail on the subject and I hope you'll read it if you think you or someone you care about may be in a spiritually abusive situation.
There's also an excellent video on YouTube that goes over this subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DHx6kXhWww
This book goes into detail on the subject and I hope you'll read it if you think you or someone you care about may be in a spiritually abusive situation.
There's also an excellent video on YouTube that goes over this subject:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DHx6kXhWww